I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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