she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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