my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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