I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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