I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
