This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
