I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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