True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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