I have demons in me.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
