alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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