I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
