Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
