a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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