this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
