I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
