I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
