There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
