Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Drunk is not a location!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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