No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
