my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
