no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
