so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
