she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
