i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i believe in u and ur pee
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