1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
