Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
