So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
