piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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