i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
