she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
