my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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