My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
