Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
