my phone needs a breathalizer
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
