I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
