My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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