There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
