where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
