I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
