just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
