The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
