Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
