just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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