And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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