Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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