I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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