My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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