Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
