tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
