I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
