I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
