i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
