No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
